Man am I Behind

It is a little hard for me to believe that two weeks have passed since my last blog. I haven't even posted pictures of Landon's party or Halloween. Used to be that I was on top of this blog...blogging three or four times a week...those were the good ole days

So I am on here today...yeah! And I have pictures in hand...er, ready to upload. We have continued to enjoy the fall season and all of the excitement that each day brings. Last weekend we went to family game night at the Well of Grace where I work. When we walked in, it was really quiet and then everyone jumped out and said, "Surprise!" I had no idea...and I am not an easy person to surprise. It was a surprise going away party for me...since I had to quit there to take this consulting class. Jonathan knew about it. Maybe that is why when we were 20 minutes late, he kept telling me to call and my reply was something like, "No one will notice we are 20 minutes late, it is not like the event evolves around us or anything!" On Sunday one of the residents graduated from the program. The entire weekend I was reminded how lovely these ladies are that I have had the privelege of working with...and they are lovely indeed. Smart, talented...they pour their hearts into this ministry. On Monday I recieved a call that the WOG has to shut down the residential portion of treatment due to financial strain. We are a free ministry to our residents (offering residential treatment for girls suffering from eating disorders, self mutilation, suicidal thoughts, abuse backgrounds, severe depression, etc), and we are funded by grants and donors. With the economy the way it is, some of our grants aren't available and people aren't able to give as they once were. My heart has been broken for my friends and the girls we had yet to serve...and for the women who dreamed up this ministry, brought it into fruition, and are now having to close it. However, we are going to reorganize, hoping to offer new options to girls, but not in a residential format. The possibilities are exciting, but my heart still hurts. God is in control...He planted the idea, He brought it to fruition, He will take it where He will for His purposes...

In other news, my new 6 year old is learning to read! He is doing well with his sight words and is slowly but surely coming along with his reading abilities. Yesterday he took an entire library book and "read" it to me...reading some of the words and looking at the pictures for clues to the others. And two weeks ago when I came home from the grocery store he had written me a note. It went something like this: "Mame, we r gng to hv fn." He sounded out the words and wrote them as they sounded. I was blown away and totally caught up in just how old my son is getting. I can't believe he is able to do this stuff. That probably sounds ridiculous...but if you knew how I still see him in my mind's eye...as a little 4ish year old...you would get my sentiment. Even last night at dinner as he ate his spaghetti, I couldn't keep the words in my mouth and I had to exclaim, "Landon, you are turning into a little man." And he is...

My brother used to be a huge Superman fanatic. He called me a few months ago and told me he wanted to get Landon a costume for Halloween this year. Imagine my son's delight when he opened a Clark Kent AND Superman costume. He has been flying around here ever since. It is so neat to watch my son pretend play just like I grew up watching my older brother do so. And the glasses...be still my heart. LOVE it.

And with that I am off to have a fun filled day with my still-little Noah (whom in my minds eye is still a baby...do you sense a problem here?). We are going to go outside and enjoy these fleeting days of warmer temperatures and sunshine.

The Safety of His Hands

We have had doctor appointments, photo shoots, dentist appointments, HUGE decisions, birthday parties, pumpkin carvings, camping, school projects, and work all mixed into the past two weeks. Throw in there a 3 credit hour grad class and you have my life. I have tried to hold it all together, neatly tied with a bow on top. I have taken a day at a time, never allowing myself to look at the big picture because it would totally overwhelm me. But the busyness shows. I made cupcakes on Wednesday for Landon's birthday so that he could take them to school. The teacher never sent home a class list, so I assumed 22 would be a sufficient number of cupcakes, especially considering the swine flu and all. But when I met Landon for lunch that day (Happy meal in hand) he sadly told me how he didn't get a cupcake (and neither did one other girl) bc they ran out. I quickly plummeted to the bottom of the good mama list...and here I had been so proud of myself for staying up into the wee hours of the morning making the dumb things and wrapping them in awesome Spiderman paper. Oh well...the kids who did get them were excited

Anyway, it has been a little out of control. All things considered, I feel that we have held it all together for the most part, but I find myself forgetting things I never would have missed before. And I find myself being extremely purposeful about planning special activities (pumpkin carving night complete with caramel apples, and romp-through-the-woods-in-the-dark-night complete with flashlights in hand). I don't want my kids to remember this time as mom being stressed..I want them to remember living and laughing and loving and fun. But where am I in the mix of all this. Well, I am present. But I am exhausted. And I feel like I am balancing everything so delicately that the slightest blow tips it all over...like last weekend when our computer broke (it is still broken). My huge grad assignment that was due on Wednesday was on that computer....as was my lecture material for work. So my attitude stunk...but I quickly pulled it together bc I had a tank cake to make and a 6th birthday party to plan (pictures coming..but I can't upload them until our computer is repaired!). I improvised, stayed up ridiculously late this week working, turned in my assignment a day late (a first for me...but totally out of my control), and moved on to the next thing. I am learning to ask for help (but still feeling guilty about it), but I still have a long ways to go. I realize that I try to be a perfect teacher and a perfect mother and a perfect...everything and it is just too much. So I am learning to let some of my perfectionism go too. See, this whole busyness thing doesn't have to be ALL bad.

And it will end. I have 5 more weeks of this graduate class. And I have 5 more weeks left in this semester for teaching. And my calendar is thinning wayyyy out, which will help significantly. But you know what I have failed at miserably in all of this? I have strived to do it in my own strength. I praise God for the good...like that we haven't yet caught the flu (that would definitely push me over the edge), and for people who help me, and good reports at the doctors, and a full night of sleep), but my life is so busy from the moment my alarm goes off until my body literally falls into bed at night, that I have struggled with feelings of being alone in all of this. I have learned that the modicum of control I THOUGHT I had over life, was a mirage. That the only thing I can control is my response to what happens in my life. I guess that is why I thank the Lord every day that even though I feel frazzled and am burning the candle at both ends, I am healthy and CAN do this. I do not take health for granted. When I wake up in the morning and have strength to get up and do it all over again...that is something that inspires me and pushes me to throw back the covers and tackle the day.

This whole thing with David getting brain cancer has been an ever-present part of my life since it occurred back in June. Soon after his diagnosis, I started to have signs of anxiety (I even had a few panic attacks!). I couldn't pinpoint my anxiety. I wouldn't even be thinking about him or cancer....I would just suddenly, out of the blue, feel like I couldn't breathe. It was then that I realized that what the problem was was that David getting cancer flashed a mirror in front of my face at the brevity of life. The fact that we don't have control over life and that terrible things really do happen to good people. David was invincible...the LAST person I would have ever thought to have a brain tumor. If it could happen to him...it could happen to me...or my kids...or Jonathan. Then I had that mole scare. Not a big deal in light of it all...but at the same time IN LIGHT OF IT ALL, it was terrifying. A month later, Jonathan was diagnosed with thyroid disease, with a lump on his thyroid that initially had to be biopsied. Do you see what I am getting at here...all of us are 27 and 28 years old...and it felt like the bottom was falling out.

When we were camping, my sister was with us and she had brought along her best friend and her boyfriend, Adam. Landon LOVES Adam and wanted everything to do with Adam, and nothing to do with Jonathan. So when we went on our hike, he wanted to hike with Adam, not Daddy. But there were very treacherous parts to this hike, including ledges in caverns and tall ladders, etc. Now I am certain that Adam is completely capable of keeping Landon safe, but we wanted Jonathan to take care of him on the difficult parts. Well, Landon wanted none of it. He had a downright bad attitude. After the hike Jonathan made a very poignant point. He said: "You know, what just happened with Landon and Adam illustrates very clearly how we are with God. We run to what we think is best for us, for what is appealing and cool and comfortable...forgetting that we are never safer than we  are in our Father's hands." We have bad attitudes about just resting safely in the provision of His goodness. We forget that God will never disown Himself by being unfaithful to WHO HE IS. Candice reminded me of this just the other day...God cannot be anyone other than who He is...and He is GOOD. But we are like little children...throwing tantrums when we don't get what we think is best. We don't have the full picture...so David getting cancer and me and Jonathan both going through cancer scares at the same time...doesn't seem good or fair or best. But God isn't asking us to understand it...He is asking us to trust Him. I don't think He is upset by my anxiety in all of this either. I think He is asking me to trust that He is good. But blindly accepting something isn't always as gratifying or as personal as journeying to a destination. I want to OWN that He is good. And that is the journey I am on. I know my destination, but God and I are still on the journey.

So amidst the busyness of life, the anxiety comes and goes...and each day seems to bring a new challenge. Jonathan needs treatment, but a few things are standing in our way. His symptoms are increasing, and none of the options seem viable at this point. I struggle being a good wife amidst everything else...and I am most definitely breaking the cardinal rule of therapy for taking time out for myself. But amidst it all...even the intermittent questioning and anxiety and feelings of uncertainty, I KNOW that God is with us. That He is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow. And that He is good. No matter what happens in this sin filled world...I am on a journey to be able to not just say...but to believe to the core of my being, that I serve an Abba that loves me...and there is no more perfect or safer love than His.

So if you want to know where I am have been...and were I am currently am...I am on a journey, most likely one that will take me my whole life through...as long or as short as that may be.

Panna

It is nearing midnight. Six years ago, you were just over 12 hours old. I can still see your beautiful face and stick up blond hair. I can smell your new-baby smell and feel your tiny body in my arms. Now you fly around the house dressed in your superman costume off to save the world.

You have grown into such a beautiful boy...smart and talented. You are learning to read and becoming so very independent. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that you are old enough to do these things as it seems like yesterday that you were running around here hiding in the cupboards smelling like sticky peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Landon I am so proud of the boy you are becoming. So proud to watch as you make choices that honor God and build character. So amazed as your own heart swells with confidence as you learn new things each and every day. I love to watch as you play superheroes...I love that you firmly believe that you can do anything and everything...and are fully convinced that you can save the world from any and all foes. Armed with the love and grace of God, you can indeed accomplish this feat. You are our little superhero Landon...a beautiful gift that we have the privelege of watching unfold... Happy 6th birthday, Pan.

Mama loves you.

Covered Bridge

We call Covered Bridge a place, but really it is a festival. For my family though, those two words contain a lifetime of special memories of camping, hiking, horseback riding, canoeing, campfires, craft shows, chocolate chip pancake breakfasts and lots of uninterrupted family time. The place is the setting for memories that our hearts treasure...each of us in our own way. It is so special to me to watch as my children fall in love with this same place that I romped around through as a child. As I took Landon off-trailing through the woods, he asked how I knew where I was going (we were in the caverns at this point) and I told him that I knew every tree and leaf in that forest. I suppose that isn't true...but I do know my way around from all of the thousands of hours I have hiked with those I love. Now I get to watch as Landon anticipates seeing The Rock for the first time...and this time he got his initials carved into it. He was so excited. And I sit with contentment as I watch both of my children enjoy Grandpa's famous chocolate chip pancakes...and Grandma's hot cocoa first thing in the morning. Family is such a blessing and I am so thankful for mine. The only thing I had that my kids don't are memories of my Grandma here at Covered Bridge. She used to come with us and sleep with me and my cousin Jess. Some of my best memories are late nights with Gram. I could recount for you at least 100 times that she made us laugh until we almost wet the bed. She doesn't get to come with us anymore becuase of my grandpa's health...but never will I go there without thinking of her...and hearing her laughter and seeing her beautiful face.

My time is short, so I will leave you with some pictures from our trip.We were indeed cold the first few days, but it never phased the kids...they truly loved and enjoyed every moment of our trip. I am so glad we took the time out of life to just slip away for a few days. It was so very worth it...

In My Weakness, I am Made Strong

Wow. Apparently being vulnerable is a VERY good choice around here...at least with friends such as you guys. Those of you who chose to leave comments...THANK YOU. You gave me a much needed, very loving, kick in the pants...and reminded me over and over again that in my own strength, I am indeed destined to fail. You pointed me to Scripture, called me, wrote me, loved me. THANK YOU. Through it all, I have been deeply touched and in the process, reminded that what God calls us to, He will provide for...that trying to balance it all on my own will not work. I cannot do this. But by God's strength I can...and then I can boast of His grace and His power made tangible in life. What a beautiful opportunity.

So how about some fluffy and somewhat squishy stuff...like my kids . Noah is a never ending stream of questions....most of which involve him saying, "What is this for Mama?" He now is well versed in water towers and railroad tracks, fire hydrants, and just about everything else we ever pass in the car. And shock of all shocks. I made some "ghost" cookies the other night, which he was so excited about. As they were cooking in the oven, I asked him to count them (I have never heard him count more than 4 before) as we were watching them bake. To my great surprise he counted all the way to 11. When did he learn to count? And who taught him? We count all the time, but I haven't actually worked with him on it...apparently he is a sponge and seems to absorb whatever is going on around him. It is so crazy to hear him/watch him do the stuff that I remember Landon doing not long ago. Time is frozen in my mind from when Landon was 3ish. The clothes he wore, the things he said and did. Noah is starting to wear those clothes and surprise me with his knowledge, just like Landon did and it just doesn't seem possible. In my mind, Noah is still a baby. But he isn't...not at all...I love the age Noah is at. I love everything about it. He goes with me everywhere, everything is an exciting adventure, he says the most adorable things and he is still soft and squishy. I want to bottle him up.

And Landon, I don't even know where to begin with this kid. Last night at dinner, Jonathan was narrating what he was doing (I came home from work, sat down, ate a bite of soup...etc). Landon thought it was kind of funny and then said, "Dad, that is a nonfiction story!" Where in the world did he learn about nonfiction...oh wait, school. I have been looking at pictures of him recently and am amazed at how much he is growing and changing. He turns six in just a few short weeks...man that is old!

We have enjoyed some fun fall activities inspite of the busyness around here. We took the kids to an orchard with my parents. They loved the hayride and corn maze. Next week we leave to go camping in Indiana for 5 days. We are all excited about that (and praying for good weather!). We go every year with my family to a place that is filled with my childhood memories. To take my children there and watch as they grow to love it just as much I do, fills my heart with unspeakable joy. I can't wait.

  Well, I need to get out of here. I am teaching a class at a local pregnancy center today, dropping in to say my goodbyes to the girls I worked with for the past 9 months on Wednesday nights, and then driving all the way back here to be in class by 6pm. And tomorrow the dean of my department is dropping in to evaluate my teaching (a tad bit nerve-wracking). Busy couple of days...but I am re-learning (with the kind encouragement from you!) that in my weakness, I am made strong. One dear friend shared Psalm 62 with me...and now I want to share it with you. Thanks Jill!

My soul finds rest in God alone; 
       my salvation comes from him.

  ² He alone is my rock and my salvation; 
       he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

 ³ How long will you assault a man? 
       Would all of you throw him down— 
       this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

 ⁴ They fully intend to topple him 
       from his lofty place; 
       they take delight in lies. 
       With their mouths they bless, 
       but in their hearts they curse. 
       Selah

 ⁵ Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; 
       my hope comes from him.

   ⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation; 
       he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

 ⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God ^[a] ; 
       he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

 ⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people; 
       pour out your hearts to him, 
       for God is our refuge. 
       Selah

 ⁹ Lowborn men are but a breath, 
       the highborn are but a lie; 
       if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; 
       together they are only a breath.

 ¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion 
       or take pride in stolen goods; 
       though your riches increase, 
       do not set your heart on them.

 ¹¹ One thing God has spoken, 
       two things have I heard: 
       that you, O God, are strong,

 ¹² and that you, O Lord, are loving. 
       Surely you will reward each person 
       according to what he has done.