The Safety of His Hands

We have had doctor appointments, photo shoots, dentist appointments, HUGE decisions, birthday parties, pumpkin carvings, camping, school projects, and work all mixed into the past two weeks. Throw in there a 3 credit hour grad class and you have my life. I have tried to hold it all together, neatly tied with a bow on top. I have taken a day at a time, never allowing myself to look at the big picture because it would totally overwhelm me. But the busyness shows. I made cupcakes on Wednesday for Landon's birthday so that he could take them to school. The teacher never sent home a class list, so I assumed 22 would be a sufficient number of cupcakes, especially considering the swine flu and all. But when I met Landon for lunch that day (Happy meal in hand) he sadly told me how he didn't get a cupcake (and neither did one other girl) bc they ran out. I quickly plummeted to the bottom of the good mama list...and here I had been so proud of myself for staying up into the wee hours of the morning making the dumb things and wrapping them in awesome Spiderman paper. Oh well...the kids who did get them were excited

Anyway, it has been a little out of control. All things considered, I feel that we have held it all together for the most part, but I find myself forgetting things I never would have missed before. And I find myself being extremely purposeful about planning special activities (pumpkin carving night complete with caramel apples, and romp-through-the-woods-in-the-dark-night complete with flashlights in hand). I don't want my kids to remember this time as mom being stressed..I want them to remember living and laughing and loving and fun. But where am I in the mix of all this. Well, I am present. But I am exhausted. And I feel like I am balancing everything so delicately that the slightest blow tips it all over...like last weekend when our computer broke (it is still broken). My huge grad assignment that was due on Wednesday was on that computer....as was my lecture material for work. So my attitude stunk...but I quickly pulled it together bc I had a tank cake to make and a 6th birthday party to plan (pictures coming..but I can't upload them until our computer is repaired!). I improvised, stayed up ridiculously late this week working, turned in my assignment a day late (a first for me...but totally out of my control), and moved on to the next thing. I am learning to ask for help (but still feeling guilty about it), but I still have a long ways to go. I realize that I try to be a perfect teacher and a perfect mother and a perfect...everything and it is just too much. So I am learning to let some of my perfectionism go too. See, this whole busyness thing doesn't have to be ALL bad.

And it will end. I have 5 more weeks of this graduate class. And I have 5 more weeks left in this semester for teaching. And my calendar is thinning wayyyy out, which will help significantly. But you know what I have failed at miserably in all of this? I have strived to do it in my own strength. I praise God for the good...like that we haven't yet caught the flu (that would definitely push me over the edge), and for people who help me, and good reports at the doctors, and a full night of sleep), but my life is so busy from the moment my alarm goes off until my body literally falls into bed at night, that I have struggled with feelings of being alone in all of this. I have learned that the modicum of control I THOUGHT I had over life, was a mirage. That the only thing I can control is my response to what happens in my life. I guess that is why I thank the Lord every day that even though I feel frazzled and am burning the candle at both ends, I am healthy and CAN do this. I do not take health for granted. When I wake up in the morning and have strength to get up and do it all over again...that is something that inspires me and pushes me to throw back the covers and tackle the day.

This whole thing with David getting brain cancer has been an ever-present part of my life since it occurred back in June. Soon after his diagnosis, I started to have signs of anxiety (I even had a few panic attacks!). I couldn't pinpoint my anxiety. I wouldn't even be thinking about him or cancer....I would just suddenly, out of the blue, feel like I couldn't breathe. It was then that I realized that what the problem was was that David getting cancer flashed a mirror in front of my face at the brevity of life. The fact that we don't have control over life and that terrible things really do happen to good people. David was invincible...the LAST person I would have ever thought to have a brain tumor. If it could happen to him...it could happen to me...or my kids...or Jonathan. Then I had that mole scare. Not a big deal in light of it all...but at the same time IN LIGHT OF IT ALL, it was terrifying. A month later, Jonathan was diagnosed with thyroid disease, with a lump on his thyroid that initially had to be biopsied. Do you see what I am getting at here...all of us are 27 and 28 years old...and it felt like the bottom was falling out.

When we were camping, my sister was with us and she had brought along her best friend and her boyfriend, Adam. Landon LOVES Adam and wanted everything to do with Adam, and nothing to do with Jonathan. So when we went on our hike, he wanted to hike with Adam, not Daddy. But there were very treacherous parts to this hike, including ledges in caverns and tall ladders, etc. Now I am certain that Adam is completely capable of keeping Landon safe, but we wanted Jonathan to take care of him on the difficult parts. Well, Landon wanted none of it. He had a downright bad attitude. After the hike Jonathan made a very poignant point. He said: "You know, what just happened with Landon and Adam illustrates very clearly how we are with God. We run to what we think is best for us, for what is appealing and cool and comfortable...forgetting that we are never safer than we  are in our Father's hands." We have bad attitudes about just resting safely in the provision of His goodness. We forget that God will never disown Himself by being unfaithful to WHO HE IS. Candice reminded me of this just the other day...God cannot be anyone other than who He is...and He is GOOD. But we are like little children...throwing tantrums when we don't get what we think is best. We don't have the full picture...so David getting cancer and me and Jonathan both going through cancer scares at the same time...doesn't seem good or fair or best. But God isn't asking us to understand it...He is asking us to trust Him. I don't think He is upset by my anxiety in all of this either. I think He is asking me to trust that He is good. But blindly accepting something isn't always as gratifying or as personal as journeying to a destination. I want to OWN that He is good. And that is the journey I am on. I know my destination, but God and I are still on the journey.

So amidst the busyness of life, the anxiety comes and goes...and each day seems to bring a new challenge. Jonathan needs treatment, but a few things are standing in our way. His symptoms are increasing, and none of the options seem viable at this point. I struggle being a good wife amidst everything else...and I am most definitely breaking the cardinal rule of therapy for taking time out for myself. But amidst it all...even the intermittent questioning and anxiety and feelings of uncertainty, I KNOW that God is with us. That He is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow. And that He is good. No matter what happens in this sin filled world...I am on a journey to be able to not just say...but to believe to the core of my being, that I serve an Abba that loves me...and there is no more perfect or safer love than His.

So if you want to know where I am have been...and were I am currently am...I am on a journey, most likely one that will take me my whole life through...as long or as short as that may be.

Panna

It is nearing midnight. Six years ago, you were just over 12 hours old. I can still see your beautiful face and stick up blond hair. I can smell your new-baby smell and feel your tiny body in my arms. Now you fly around the house dressed in your superman costume off to save the world.

You have grown into such a beautiful boy...smart and talented. You are learning to read and becoming so very independent. Sometimes I wonder how it is possible that you are old enough to do these things as it seems like yesterday that you were running around here hiding in the cupboards smelling like sticky peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Landon I am so proud of the boy you are becoming. So proud to watch as you make choices that honor God and build character. So amazed as your own heart swells with confidence as you learn new things each and every day. I love to watch as you play superheroes...I love that you firmly believe that you can do anything and everything...and are fully convinced that you can save the world from any and all foes. Armed with the love and grace of God, you can indeed accomplish this feat. You are our little superhero Landon...a beautiful gift that we have the privelege of watching unfold... Happy 6th birthday, Pan.

Mama loves you.

Covered Bridge

We call Covered Bridge a place, but really it is a festival. For my family though, those two words contain a lifetime of special memories of camping, hiking, horseback riding, canoeing, campfires, craft shows, chocolate chip pancake breakfasts and lots of uninterrupted family time. The place is the setting for memories that our hearts treasure...each of us in our own way. It is so special to me to watch as my children fall in love with this same place that I romped around through as a child. As I took Landon off-trailing through the woods, he asked how I knew where I was going (we were in the caverns at this point) and I told him that I knew every tree and leaf in that forest. I suppose that isn't true...but I do know my way around from all of the thousands of hours I have hiked with those I love. Now I get to watch as Landon anticipates seeing The Rock for the first time...and this time he got his initials carved into it. He was so excited. And I sit with contentment as I watch both of my children enjoy Grandpa's famous chocolate chip pancakes...and Grandma's hot cocoa first thing in the morning. Family is such a blessing and I am so thankful for mine. The only thing I had that my kids don't are memories of my Grandma here at Covered Bridge. She used to come with us and sleep with me and my cousin Jess. Some of my best memories are late nights with Gram. I could recount for you at least 100 times that she made us laugh until we almost wet the bed. She doesn't get to come with us anymore becuase of my grandpa's health...but never will I go there without thinking of her...and hearing her laughter and seeing her beautiful face.

My time is short, so I will leave you with some pictures from our trip.We were indeed cold the first few days, but it never phased the kids...they truly loved and enjoyed every moment of our trip. I am so glad we took the time out of life to just slip away for a few days. It was so very worth it...

In My Weakness, I am Made Strong

Wow. Apparently being vulnerable is a VERY good choice around here...at least with friends such as you guys. Those of you who chose to leave comments...THANK YOU. You gave me a much needed, very loving, kick in the pants...and reminded me over and over again that in my own strength, I am indeed destined to fail. You pointed me to Scripture, called me, wrote me, loved me. THANK YOU. Through it all, I have been deeply touched and in the process, reminded that what God calls us to, He will provide for...that trying to balance it all on my own will not work. I cannot do this. But by God's strength I can...and then I can boast of His grace and His power made tangible in life. What a beautiful opportunity.

So how about some fluffy and somewhat squishy stuff...like my kids . Noah is a never ending stream of questions....most of which involve him saying, "What is this for Mama?" He now is well versed in water towers and railroad tracks, fire hydrants, and just about everything else we ever pass in the car. And shock of all shocks. I made some "ghost" cookies the other night, which he was so excited about. As they were cooking in the oven, I asked him to count them (I have never heard him count more than 4 before) as we were watching them bake. To my great surprise he counted all the way to 11. When did he learn to count? And who taught him? We count all the time, but I haven't actually worked with him on it...apparently he is a sponge and seems to absorb whatever is going on around him. It is so crazy to hear him/watch him do the stuff that I remember Landon doing not long ago. Time is frozen in my mind from when Landon was 3ish. The clothes he wore, the things he said and did. Noah is starting to wear those clothes and surprise me with his knowledge, just like Landon did and it just doesn't seem possible. In my mind, Noah is still a baby. But he isn't...not at all...I love the age Noah is at. I love everything about it. He goes with me everywhere, everything is an exciting adventure, he says the most adorable things and he is still soft and squishy. I want to bottle him up.

And Landon, I don't even know where to begin with this kid. Last night at dinner, Jonathan was narrating what he was doing (I came home from work, sat down, ate a bite of soup...etc). Landon thought it was kind of funny and then said, "Dad, that is a nonfiction story!" Where in the world did he learn about nonfiction...oh wait, school. I have been looking at pictures of him recently and am amazed at how much he is growing and changing. He turns six in just a few short weeks...man that is old!

We have enjoyed some fun fall activities inspite of the busyness around here. We took the kids to an orchard with my parents. They loved the hayride and corn maze. Next week we leave to go camping in Indiana for 5 days. We are all excited about that (and praying for good weather!). We go every year with my family to a place that is filled with my childhood memories. To take my children there and watch as they grow to love it just as much I do, fills my heart with unspeakable joy. I can't wait.

  Well, I need to get out of here. I am teaching a class at a local pregnancy center today, dropping in to say my goodbyes to the girls I worked with for the past 9 months on Wednesday nights, and then driving all the way back here to be in class by 6pm. And tomorrow the dean of my department is dropping in to evaluate my teaching (a tad bit nerve-wracking). Busy couple of days...but I am re-learning (with the kind encouragement from you!) that in my weakness, I am made strong. One dear friend shared Psalm 62 with me...and now I want to share it with you. Thanks Jill!

My soul finds rest in God alone; 
       my salvation comes from him.

  ² He alone is my rock and my salvation; 
       he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

 ³ How long will you assault a man? 
       Would all of you throw him down— 
       this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

 ⁴ They fully intend to topple him 
       from his lofty place; 
       they take delight in lies. 
       With their mouths they bless, 
       but in their hearts they curse. 
       Selah

 ⁵ Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; 
       my hope comes from him.

   ⁶ He alone is my rock and my salvation; 
       he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

 ⁷ My salvation and my honor depend on God ^[a] ; 
       he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

 ⁸ Trust in him at all times, O people; 
       pour out your hearts to him, 
       for God is our refuge. 
       Selah

 ⁹ Lowborn men are but a breath, 
       the highborn are but a lie; 
       if weighed on a balance, they are nothing; 
       together they are only a breath.

 ¹⁰ Do not trust in extortion 
       or take pride in stolen goods; 
       though your riches increase, 
       do not set your heart on them.

 ¹¹ One thing God has spoken, 
       two things have I heard: 
       that you, O God, are strong,

 ¹² and that you, O Lord, are loving. 
       Surely you will reward each person 
       according to what he has done.

Finding Balance

As much as I can, I tend to be open and honest with you all. You have watched as I struggled through being a student, a mom, a wife, and a daughter. You have watched and encouraged and inspired me in all of it. Now I have embarked on a new journey of work. I am loving it and finding great purpose and meaning in it all. But talking about the reality of it is difficult for me, well...because it isn't always met with encouragement and support. But that is ok. I understand fully that we all do what we do, make the choices we make...because it is what best fits our family or it is what we feel God has called us to. And sometimes, when we make those decisions we feel a bit unsure...or lacking purpose. And we just want to know that the decisions we made are the BEST and that the ways others are choosing to run their families is not better than what we have chosen. And so we pick. We jab. We talk amongst ourselves about so and so who decided to work outside of the home and how her whole family is suffering, etc. We tear others down, not because we are malicious or mean spirited people. But because at the core of our being, we are unsure...and it makes us feel better to discount what others are doing if it differs from what we have chosen. I have been there. I have done this myself. The good news, though, is that I get it. So it doesn't hurt as much...because I know in my heart that just as I am constantly seeking to find balance and meaning and purpose and the perfect scenario (as if there is one!) for my family, so are those who may think that what I have chosen is ridiculous and wrong.

But given this and the fact that I know it is out there, it is a little difficult to come before you broken and honest. But here I am...broken and open...because no matter how I try to spin this post, the truth of what I feel right now will still come through. The really complicated part is that there is much of the story that I can't share...because of the personal nature and out of respect for those I call family. So as I share my newest stress, many of you will most likely think I am ridiculous (again) for feeling what I feel. Know that I am sharing a part of my story, not the whole. For my entire life I have cared entirely too much about what people think. So today, if you think I am just a stress case who should keep my thoughts to myself, I give you permission to skip this blog and carry on your merry way. I am not planning to complain, but just to share where I am at right now. Which sometimes is a beautiful and happy place, and sometimes is not. Take it or leave it.

I have so enjoyed my work. All of it. I absolutely love teaching. I was forewarned (thank you KK!) that the prep work for teaching a college course would kick my butt. I hoped it wouldn't be true, but it absolutely is. I teach 9 hours a week, and between prepping lectures, developing powerpoints, forming and grading tests and papers, I have struggled to keep up. Throw in there a trip to Nashville and three sick men in my house...and you can see a me that is not taking any time to eat, sleep or even breathe. I have also so enjoyed my Wednesday nights at the residential facility I do therapy at. The good news is that come next semester all of the prep work will be done for my teaching job...so that will be a welcome relief. Around January-ish, I was scheduled to begin counseling back at the clinic I did my internship in. I was supposed to be licensed by then. I have applied and was awaiting my final piece of paperwork from Liberty. I have been working closely with them in an attempt to get that last piece sent off to the state so that I could be licensed. On Thursday, right before I went into class, I got an email from Liberty that started out with the words: "I know this isn't what you want to hear....". Basically, my state requires a class in consulting for licensure. Liberty does not offer it, nor have I taken it. So I cannot be licensed or counsel until I have taken this additional 3 credit hour graduate class. To say that I was mad is an understatement. To say that I was not discouraged would be a lie. I am so DONE with school...I have done it for 4 years and the thought of going back makes me want to vomit.

But the real humdinger is that if my life were a picture...you would see that I am balancing it all by a thread. I was finally feeling like I could make it all work, but just barely. I could keep my house, take care of my family, cherish time with my husband and children, cook, buy gifts, manage childcare, take care of myself, prep my work, carry out my work...basically I could have it all. But it was a very delicate balance. And the news I got on Thursday unraveled my thread. Effective immediately I am back in school. I had to quit my Wednesday night job and in its place I am now taking a 3 credit hour class on consulting (whatever the heck that is!). There is more...and this is where I can't share...but the combination of these two additions to my life have sent me into a tailspin. I don't know how to do it all...or be it all. I feel like I am doing nothing well. And I know from talking to many people that I am not alone in this feeling...and I take such consolation in that! Things like this do indeed cause one to dig down deep and really question, again if the choices we are making are the right ones. I feel a mess and I feel unsure and unstable...but foudationally, I am still at peace that I am where God has called me to be. I feel like I am in a dark room and I can see and feel nothing except for the step my foot is currently resting on (that would be God). Whatever modicum of control I thought I had in my life is gone. I am still responsible for the choices I make, but my manipulation of life and circumstances has been thrown in my face in an ever-loving way by my Father. He is teaching me (very tangibly) that I cannot force what I want when I want it. That I...imagine this...am not God. How profound...

So I have lost my footing and have no idea how I am going to do the next three months of life. I have to take this class now for multiple reasons...the biggest one being that when I called this particular university I happened to get the instructor of THIS class and he was gracious enough to let me enter the class now, five weeks into the semester (unheard of!). I would be an idiot to not jump on that opportunity (he has already saved me 15 hours of in-class time!). I realize that many of you are busier than I am. I am just stating that for me, and for what I envision and desire for my family and for my own personal well-being, I am stretched too thin. And yet here I am, and I have chosen this. There is no one to fault here (well, Liberty maybe)...it is just life. My choices have lead me to this place (and can I just say that I have chosen as carefully as I possibly can!). And still I know that God is whispering me something beautiful and strong and gracious. Lessons I have yet to learn, strengths I have yet to gain. Perseverance I, as yet, do not know.

But I need prayer. My family needs prayer. We need grace and strength and perseverance and peace. See, when you are a perfectionist and you don't feel like you are doing anything well, you feel pretty crappy. I am learning that I can't have everything and I can't be everything to all people. But I certainly want to make wise choices in letting go and holding close. Given the mountain I am about to climb, my humanness wonders how this is ever going to be possible. But my spirit has a sense of peace that the God who gives life will not give me more than I can handle. My job is living in obedience...and honoring my family and those I serve amidst the stress in my life. And this is where my failure lies.

So there you have it...for any of you that looked at my life and thought that I could have it all...that I had somehow stumbled upon the elusive knowledge of how to have a perfect family while managing a dream job...now you know for sure that I am right there in the trenches with you. Every day I get up and ask myself what I am doing that day that matters...whether the choices I am making will honor God and strengthen the lives of those most precious to me (my family), or whether this is all just about me, and my dreams. For now I am confident in where I stand, but believe you me...life is an ever-evolving door of opportunity and change. I struggle with my own aspirations and dreams and desires every day, constantly being sure that they are not what drives me. Self can get in the way...of everything. I do not want to drive me. Yes my dreams are important...but they are not what I live for. Ultimately, I live for Jesus Christ and that involves caring for and growing the souls of my children along with the climate of my family atmosphere. If I can do both...awesome. But again, I am being continuously reminded that my life is not my own. That I have very little control over what happens and when. So I rest in the Life-Giver's hands. And tomorrow, I will get up...and do it all over again. One day at a time.